Introducing: a semi-regular newsletter

You can subscribe to my newsletter, where I share more in-depth thoughts mostly focused on talking to kids about death and loss. You can also read previous posts: dailylifeanddeath.substack.com

This newsletter is hosted through the Substack platform, which will allow me to offer paid subscriptions in the future and gives me the data and insight that I can’t find through a blog. You don’t have to subscribe in order to have access to all the writing, but if you chose to subscribe it would mean a lot to me.

End of Life Reading List: The Digger & The Flower

As my clients prepare their funeral arrangements, many are considering the impact of their passing on beloved grandchildren. Selecting a book (or a few) in advance can be a beautiful gift not only for your young family members, but also for their parents.

We don’t always have the right words, but this might help:

THE DIGGER AND THE FLOWER BY JOESEPH KUEFLER 

Another gentle book for younger readers, this story follows a life cycle without ever directly using the word death or directly discussing funerals. After collecting the remnants of his beloved Flower and burying them in the countryside, Digger finds a field of flowers have sprung up in their place. Never patronizing or sanctimonious, this hopeful story acknowledges that life can be beautiful, even after a loss. What a beautiful message to leave behind for your grandchildren and their parents.

Throughout this month, I’ll be sharing book recommendations (often with the same leading paragraph). If you find one of these short synopses helpful, please feel free to forward to a friend, family member or colleague who may also be interested.

You asked: "What are good books about death, dying and funerals?"

Since I started this journey to becoming an Independent Funeral Consultant over a year ago, I’ve taken on all kinds of trainings and readings but one of the richest sources of information has consistently been from…Reddit! Yes, the time-waster of all time-wasters is now a valuable and regular resource for me on a purely professional level. Trust me, no one is more surprised about this than me.

A user posed the question on r/deathpositive:

I am interested in being a person that people can lean on at times of grief. Someone who knows about your rights, but will also hold vigil during the active dying process, help care for the body immediately after death, let you know that there are burial options beyond embalming and caskets. Besides becoming knowledgeable about the rights of those who are dying, and options for the recently deceased and their families, what else should I read up on?

The outpouring of recommendations was impressive, and I’ve already added a number of books to my Amazon wishlist. These were my two recommendations for my fellow #deathpositive Redditor:

Click through to purchase

#1. GONE FROM MY SIGHT: THE DYING EXPERIENCE

By Barbara Karnes (aka “the little blue book”). This was first recommended to me by the wonderful Jill Schock of Death Doula LA when I took her Time to Die workshop. There is simply no better text to help understand the mechanics of the death and dying process. The simple, straightforward text is as comforting in it’s fearless honesty. This pamphlet style book is available directly from her website, translated into 9 languages, for $3 each.

Click through to purchase

#2. HOME FUNERAL CEREMONIES: A PRIMER TO HONOR THE DYING AND THE DEAD WITH REVERENCE, LIGHT HEARTEDNESS AND GRACE

By Donna Belk and Kateyanne Unullisi. This was one of the first additions I made to my personal deathcare library, and it remains one of my favorites. Spanning the entire dying, death, lying in and funeral process over 8 chapters, the authors provide detailed information, professional insight and customizable ceremonies.

I’ve read a LOT of death related books, but there were plenty of recommendations that were new to me, too. Other books related to death, dying and funerals included:

• The Art of Death Midwifery by Joellyn St. Pierre (okay, this has been on my list for a while!)

• Beyond the Good Death: The Anthropology of Modern Dying by James W. Green

• The Way We Die Now by Seamus O’Mahoney

• Reimagining Death: Stories & Practical Wisdom for Home Funerals and Green Burials by Lucinda Herring

• The Smell of Rain on Dust: Grief and Praise by Martin Prechtel

Are there any good books about funerals, death or dying that you’d recommend to someone looking to enter the field? Are you looking for a book about funerals, death or dying? Let’s connect! You can find me on Reddit, LinkedIn, Twitter, Goodreads, email or schedule time to talk.

Historic Funerals: 1935 Paris, French Aviator Helene Boucher

Hélène Boucher, aviator and world speed record holder
Died: 11/30/34, age 26, airplane crash near Versailles
Buried: Yermenonville cemetery in Northern France

The first woman to lie in state at Les Invalides (see video below), posthumously awarded knight of the Légion d'honneur and namesake of a girls school in Paris, Boucher’s legacy is not forgotten 85 years after her death.  

ORIGINAL FUNERAL FOOTAGE AVAILABLE VIA BRITISH PATHE -- CLICK THROUGH HERE

Despite her significant achievements in aviation, Boucher was just 26 years old and in a time after the Great War, as Europe approached an even darker period, she represented hope for the future. A ceremony this elaborate for a private citizen, a woman nonetheless, was certainly remarkable. 

It’s no secret that I lean toward the creative, nontraditional celebrations - I mean, I trademarked the term “newfashioned funeral” for goodness sake. That said, I have spent hours and hours reading, researching and pouring over footage of traditional services, soaking up all the details and developing a deep appreciation for all kinds of things I once swore I’d never include in any service of my own.

I have a great deal of respect for the traditions that have been carried on from generation to generation, and there is absolutely no reason why you can’t include some or all of them in your personal advanced plan.

Contact me if you’re ready to document your wishes for creating a celebration that will reflect your values, honor your legacy, and assist your family during a critical time. 

TED Talk: Life that doesn't end with death (2013)

Funeral ceremonies are a raucous affair, where commemorating someone who's died is not so much a private sadness but more of a publicly shared transition. And it's a transition that's just as much about the identity of the living as it is about remembrance of the dead.

This TED Talk has received over 1.5 million views since it was first posted in 2013, and I can probably account for at least 100 of those viewings myself. Kelli Swazey discusses her anthropological observations of other cultural approaches to death, dying and the funeral or memorial process of transition. How grief, loss and death affect identity are a huge component of our cultural attitudes and social sensitivities.

This 14-minute presentation explores the impact of funeral transition ceremonies on the community of the living. After watching the video, check out the discussion questions I listed below or click the button to download the complete conversation guide.

Discussion Questions:

1. When did you feel self-aware of your role in the community at a funeral?

2. What are some situations that might confer social death, but not medical/biological death? What are situations that reflect the opposite?

3. Discuss a time that you experienced “a period of transition as the relationship between the living and the dead is transformed but not ended”

4. What are some topics you could raise when discussing the social life of a death?

5. Other reflections?

These prompts might help you start an important conversation with someone you love, or explore a topic about end-of-life transition in a new way. If you’d like to take your end-of-life conversation to the next step, I hope you’ll contact me.

6 Questions To Address During the Estate Planning Process

You bought the life insurance policy, had the estate documents drafted, hired the right investment managers. You’ve talked with your family about your final disposition and funeral wishes — probably more than they’d like to hear — and you trust them to make the right decisions on your behalf. You’ve looked at the big picture and you feel confident everyone is going to be taken care of.

Here are the SIX questions you need to discuss with your family to prepare them for the immediate-term impact of your death, those critical days and weeks as they are regaining their balance without you:

questions for your financial advisors

IN THE CASE OF MY/MY SPOUSE’S DEATH...

• Which accounts, specifically checking and credit, will be continuously available to my next of kin and which will need retitling?

• When will insurance payouts be made available and what is the process for transferring those assets?  

• How will ongoing income streams be impacted in the initial 30, 60 and 90 days?

questions for your family

IN THE CASE OF MY/MY SPOUSE’S DEATH…

• What are the regular monthly, quarterly and annual payments or transfers? Are those originating accounts impacted by retitling or estate settlement issues in the immediate term?

• What is the current process for payments or transfers and how might that change?

• Who will be responsible for covering costs associated with funeral, burial, memorial services before the estate’s assets are made available? What type of guidance do they want or need for that responsibility?

Your trusted advisors are looking at a generational timeline — wealth goals are typically stated in terms of generations — but it’s these small windows of time that can have great impact on the solidarity of a family. Planning for the immediate impact in the initial 30, 60 and 90 days after your death allows you to provide an extra layer of financial and emotional support to both the members of your family and your family unit as a whole.

What I really think of funeral directors and deathcare professionals.

Unlike any other industry I’ve ever encountered, the people who are called this line of work do it for one reason: to serve families and individuals dealing with death. The funeral directors, crematory managers, funeral home desk clerks, afterhours answering services, death doulas, hospice providers, cemetery grounds keepers, officiants, embalmers, grief therapists — all of them — have been committed to making the process of loss easier on their clients and they are willing to do what it takes to meet those needs.

Deathcare professionals are on-call at all hours of the day, night, weekends and holidays. They customize their services to meet the unique needs of their clients, and work tirelessly to understand and accomodate those needs. Even when they aren’t directly providing grief counseling services, deathcare professionals are encountering grievers and accompanying them through incredible challenges.

The best part: deathcare professionals really, really love this work. I know, because I’m one of them.

Most people would assume that a natural burial advocate would cringe at the thought of applying chemical cosmetics after a death, or an advanced planning specialist would be critical of someone’s decision to entirely forgo their estate planning. Deathcare professionals are different.

I’m an independent funeral consultant, which means a big part of my job is helping families and individuals find the right service providers. Yes, I am in a position to evaluate the quality of professional service provided by a funeral home or memorial park, but that doesn’t mean I’m critical. I believe that the right fit funeral service provider or deathcare professional is exactly that — the right fit for the family that needs it, which is why I never take fees or payment from the providers I recommend.

If you’re looking to find the right fit funeral service provider, end of life transition specialist, death doula or other deathcare professional, I’d love to help. Contact me and let me know what you’re looking for.