My broken brain, or, "this is just to say"

To everyone who has reached out over the past few weeks and months, THANK YOU. If you sent flowers, a card or a text message, left a comment or said a prayer, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart -- what you said was perfect*. I have felt so embraced by so many people, completely supported and loved. Thank you so much, everyone.

The only downside to receiving this overflow of love and support is that I know I've failed to respond to some people and left you hanging, waiting for a reply or acknowledgement. I'm so sorry, and I hope you'll understand that my brain simply isn't functioning the way I'm accustomed. I'm sharing the post below from the incredible Megan Devine of Refuge In Grief to expand on this idea. Please forgive me if I've not responded, my brain is broken right now.

When my mom died, Arly was just 5 weeks old and all of a sudden, my brain became completely inelastic. It felt like any flexibility had been absorbed by this huge shock and loss, and so my brain got incredibly rigid (not my normal state, to say the least). It took me quite a while to relax from that place and get back into the flow of life. During that time I was diagnosed with ADHD which I'm certain wont surprise my teachers** one bit and was certainly no great surprise to me, either. I studied the ADHD brain through books (ask me for my recommendations), a coach, videos from How to ADHD and comics from Dani Donovan, and the grief brain through online courses via What's Your Grief, Megan Devine's writing group, the Mourning Herald newsletter from Alica Forneret and so so much more. It's been a ride, folks. I've learned a lot, but the main takeaway is "Megan, cut yourself some slack" and that's what I'm doing this time around.

So, if you wrote and I didn't respond, it might be because I tried to find the perfect words and was unable to achieve the impossible, so I just didn't act. It could be that I thought I imagined my response so vividly that my broken brain thinks I sent it. I might have gotten 8 texts in a span of 5 minutes (which has happened multiple times these past weeks, talk about feeling loved) and I read and then let them fall through the cracks. No matter what the reason, please know that every person who said anything said the perfect thing and I'm deeply appreciative.

Anyway, all of this is just to say***

I have not responded
to your messages
which you sent
last week

and which
you probably wrote
with great care

Forgive me
they were heart-healing
so kind
and so sad.

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*I'm always looking for the perfect words and coming up short, but this experience has shown me that when people speak with the heart, they always find the perfect words -- each of you did.

**Thank you Patti, Janis, Julie (preschool), Susan (1st), Sharon (2nd) and Mark (3rd & 4th) for your encouragement in those first years of school which made all the difference. Thank you Karen (9th), Harry (11th) and Bill (12th) for not letting me skate by. I'm so lucky to have found my way to your classes.

***In the style of John Carlos Williams...I mean, all my teachers are tagged on this note, of course I have to show off a bit.

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Originally posted on Facebook, 8/25/19