End of Life Reading List: Lifetimes
End of Life Reading List: Selecting a book (or a few) in advance can be a beautiful gift not only for your young family members, but also for their parents.
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End of Life Reading List: Death is Stupid
Selecting a book (or a few) in advance can be a beautiful gift not only for your young family members, but also for their parents.
Read MoreHistoric Funerals: 1935 Paris, French Aviator Helene Boucher
Hélène Boucher, aviator and world speed record holder
Died: 11/30/34, age 26, airplane crash near Versailles
Buried: Yermenonville cemetery in Northern France
The first woman to lie in state at Les Invalides (see video below), posthumously awarded knight of the Légion d'honneur and namesake of a girls school in Paris, Boucher’s legacy is not forgotten 85 years after her death.
ORIGINAL FUNERAL FOOTAGE AVAILABLE VIA BRITISH PATHE -- CLICK THROUGH HERE
Despite her significant achievements in aviation, Boucher was just 26 years old and in a time after the Great War, as Europe approached an even darker period, she represented hope for the future. A ceremony this elaborate for a private citizen, a woman nonetheless, was certainly remarkable.
It’s no secret that I lean toward the creative, nontraditional celebrations - I mean, I trademarked the term “newfashioned funeral” for goodness sake. That said, I have spent hours and hours reading, researching and pouring over footage of traditional services, soaking up all the details and developing a deep appreciation for all kinds of things I once swore I’d never include in any service of my own.
I have a great deal of respect for the traditions that have been carried on from generation to generation, and there is absolutely no reason why you can’t include some or all of them in your personal advanced plan.
TED Talk: Life that doesn't end with death (2013)
Funeral ceremonies are a raucous affair, where commemorating someone who's died is not so much a private sadness but more of a publicly shared transition. And it's a transition that's just as much about the identity of the living as it is about remembrance of the dead.
This TED Talk has received over 1.5 million views since it was first posted in 2013, and I can probably account for at least 100 of those viewings myself. Kelli Swazey discusses her anthropological observations of other cultural approaches to death, dying and the funeral or memorial process of transition. How grief, loss and death affect identity are a huge component of our cultural attitudes and social sensitivities.
This 14-minute presentation explores the impact of funeral transition ceremonies on the community of the living. After watching the video, check out the discussion questions I listed below or click the button to download the complete conversation guide.
Discussion Questions:
When did you feel self-aware of your role in the community at a funeral?
What are some situations that might confer social death, but not medical/biological death? What are situations that reflect the opposite?
Discuss a time that you experienced “a period of transition as the relationship between the living and the dead is transformed but not ended”
What are some topics you could raise when discussing the social life of a death?
Other reflections?
These prompts might help you start an important conversation with someone you love, or explore a topic about end-of-life transition in a new way. If you’d like to take your end-of-life conversation to the next step, I hope you’ll contact me.
What I really think of funeral directors and deathcare professionals.
Unlike any other industry I’ve ever encountered, the people who are called this line of work do it for one reason: to serve families and individuals dealing with death. The funeral directors, crematory managers, funeral home desk clerks, afterhours answering services, death doulas, hospice providers, cemetery grounds keepers, officiants, embalmers, grief therapists — all of them — have been committed to making the process of loss easier on their clients and they are willing to do what it takes to meet those needs.
Deathcare professionals are on-call at all hours of the day, night, weekends and holidays. They customize their services to meet the unique needs of their clients, and work tirelessly to understand and accomodate those needs. Even when they aren’t directly providing grief counseling services, deathcare professionals are encountering grievers and accompanying them through incredible challenges.
The best part: deathcare professionals really, really love this work. I know, because I’m one of them.
Most people would assume that a natural burial advocate would cringe at the thought of applying chemical cosmetics after a death, or an advanced planning specialist would be critical of someone’s decision to entirely forgo their estate planning. Deathcare professionals are different.
I’m an independent funeral consultant, which means a big part of my job is helping families and individuals find the right service providers. Yes, I am in a position to evaluate the quality of professional service provided by a funeral home or memorial park, but that doesn’t mean I’m critical. I believe that the right fit funeral service provider or deathcare professional is exactly that — the right fit for the family that needs it, which is why I never take fees or payment from the providers I recommend.
If you’re looking to find the right fit funeral service provider, end of life transition specialist, death doula or other deathcare professional, I’d love to help. Contact me and let me know what you’re looking for.
Uncommon Remains: 4 ways your ashes can sustain life on earth
Here are four ways that cremated remains — or cremains — can be used to nurture and sustain life on earth.
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My broken brain, or, "this is just to say"
To everyone who has reached out over the past few weeks and months, THANK YOU. If you sent flowers, a card or a text message, left a comment or said a prayer, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart -- what you said was perfect*. I have felt so embraced by so many people, completely supported and loved. Thank you so much, everyone.
The only downside to receiving this overflow of love and support is that I know I've failed to respond to some people and left you hanging, waiting for a reply or acknowledgement. I'm so sorry, and I hope you'll understand that my brain simply isn't functioning the way I'm accustomed. I'm sharing the post below from the incredible Megan Devine of Refuge In Grief to expand on this idea. Please forgive me if I've not responded, my brain is broken right now.
When my mom died, Arly was just 5 weeks old and all of a sudden, my brain became completely inelastic. It felt like any flexibility had been absorbed by this huge shock and loss, and so my brain got incredibly rigid (not my normal state, to say the least). It took me quite a while to relax from that place and get back into the flow of life. During that time I was diagnosed with ADHD which I'm certain wont surprise my teachers** one bit and was certainly no great surprise to me, either. I studied the ADHD brain through books (ask me for my recommendations), a coach, videos from How to ADHD and comics from Dani Donovan, and the grief brain through online courses via What's Your Grief, Megan Devine's writing group, the Mourning Herald newsletter from Alica Forneret and so so much more. It's been a ride, folks. I've learned a lot, but the main takeaway is "Megan, cut yourself some slack" and that's what I'm doing this time around.
So, if you wrote and I didn't respond, it might be because I tried to find the perfect words and was unable to achieve the impossible, so I just didn't act. It could be that I thought I imagined my response so vividly that my broken brain thinks I sent it. I might have gotten 8 texts in a span of 5 minutes (which has happened multiple times these past weeks, talk about feeling loved) and I read and then let them fall through the cracks. No matter what the reason, please know that every person who said anything said the perfect thing and I'm deeply appreciative.
Anyway, all of this is just to say***
I have not responded
to your messages
which you sent
last week
and which
you probably wrote
with great care
Forgive me
they were heart-healing
so kind
and so sad.
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*I'm always looking for the perfect words and coming up short, but this experience has shown me that when people speak with the heart, they always find the perfect words -- each of you did.
**Thank you Patti, Janis, Julie (preschool), Susan (1st), Sharon (2nd) and Mark (3rd & 4th) for your encouragement in those first years of school which made all the difference. Thank you Karen (9th), Harry (11th) and Bill (12th) for not letting me skate by. I'm so lucky to have found my way to your classes.
***In the style of John Carlos Williams...I mean, all my teachers are tagged on this note, of course I have to show off a bit.
_________
Originally posted on Facebook, 8/25/19